| audrey gave this to me.....its soo funny!! very true!
if u don't have time to get through it all, read u kno ur asian..^___^
You mean there's a manual on how to be Asian???
Many of you have wondered what is like to be Asian. Well, let me tell you life is more than being born being good at math or eating mysterious food all the time...
How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent (from the second generation perspective)
| 1. |
Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew. |
| 2. |
Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 percent grade on his/her report card. |
| 3. |
Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits. |
| 4. |
Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu(Harvard),Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton). |
| 5. |
Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire Asian community. |
| 6. |
Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do with your life?" if he/she majors in a non-science field. |
| 7. |
Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs. |
| 8. |
Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills. |
| 9. |
Incorporate other phrases besides, "Did you study yet?" into your daily conversations with your children. |
| 10. |
Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet. |
How to be the perfect Asian kid (from the first generation perspective)
| 1. |
Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT. |
| 2. |
Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer. |
| 3. |
Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges. |
| 4. |
Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it. |
| 5. |
Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying. |
| 6. |
Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone. |
| 7. |
Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar. |
| 8. |
Aspire to be a brain surgeon. |
| 9. |
Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!). |
| 10. |
Love to hear stories about your parents'childhood...especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes. |
How to make your Asian girlfriend eternally happy
| 1. |
Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her, the number 2 rule follows: |
| 2. |
Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it. |
| 3. |
Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1 foot taller than her not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, |
| 4. |
Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you've heard about submissive Asian women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny,crying mind-control. |
| 5. |
Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as flowers, chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it. |
| 6. |
Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself. |
| 7. |
Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament. |
| 8. |
There are NO MORE RULES to making your Asian girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case. |
Top Ten Pick Up Lines Used by Asian Men
| 10. |
I may look like a nerd but it's only a disguise. |
| 9. |
I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back. |
| 8. |
Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school but I did letter in varsity volleyball and tennis. |
| 7. |
Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that chick from Street Fighter 2. |
| 6. |
What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y'see,I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine. |
| 5. |
Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club." |
| 4. |
Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice! |
| 3. |
You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time! |
| 2. |
Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims and a subwoofered stereo that'll leave you breathless? |
| 1. |
My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE personality |
You know you're Japanese if...
| 1. |
You're obsessed with you hair, your car, and your clothes |
| 2. |
You want to marry a Korean-American or Chinese-American woman(males); or you want to marry a white guy (females). |
| 3. |
You're afraid of black people. |
| 4. |
You know you are superior to all other Asians. |
You know you're Korean if...
| 1. |
You smoke and drink too much. |
| 2. |
You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom was canceled. |
| 3. |
You're afraid of black people. |
| 4. |
You know you are superior to all other Asians. |
You know you're Chinese if...
| 1. |
You think you're the smartest people in the world. |
| 2. |
You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times. |
| 3. |
Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice. |
| 4. |
You're afraid of black people. |
| 5. |
You know you are superior to all other Asians. |
You know you're Vietnamese if...
| 1. |
You've gotta have fish sauce with every meal. |
| 2. |
You eat at a restaurant that has "Pho." |
| 3. |
You have some relative who is Chinese |
| 4. |
You're afraid of black people. |
| 5. |
You know you are superior to all other Asians. |
You know you're Filipino if...
| 1. |
You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant. |
| 2. |
A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star. |
| 3. |
You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black. |
| 4. |
You don't care if you are superior to all other Asians or not,because being Filipino is just cool in itself. |
Top Ten Reasons there won't be a Chinese president anytime soon...
| 10. |
White House not big enough for in-laws |
| 9. |
Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics |
| 8. |
Oval Office has bad feng shui (literally means 'windwater') |
| 7. |
Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway |
| 6. |
Secret service can't handle nagging from mother |
| 5. |
Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners |
| 4. |
No chance for promotion |
| 3. |
Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct |
| 2. |
Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in |
| 1. |
Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles |
You know you're Asian if...
| 1. |
your mother has a short-haired, curly perm |
| 2. |
your dad is some sort of engineer |
| 3. |
your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15 |
| 4. |
you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing |
| 5. |
you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry |
| 6. |
you shop 99 Ranch |
| 7. |
everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from |
| 8. |
you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life |
| 9. |
your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. |
| 10. |
you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library. |
| 11. |
your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage." |
| 12. |
you drive mostly Japanese cars. |
| 13. |
you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom. |
| 14. |
you've eaten (and possibly enjoy) parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs. |
| 15. |
at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . ." |
| 16. |
you know what bok choy is |
| 17. |
you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February. |
| 18. |
piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors. |
| 19. |
you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!). |
| 20. |
you have NO eyelashes. |
| 21. |
idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc. . . |
| 22. |
your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin. |
| 23. |
the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner |
| 24. |
your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher. |
| 25. |
at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses |
| 26. |
your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more." |
| 27. |
your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian |
| 28. |
any random Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?" |
| 29. |
your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both |
| 30. |
your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!" |
| 31. |
everyone thinks you're good at math. |
| 32. |
your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's" |
| 33. |
you like $1.75 movies |
| 34. |
you like $1.50 movies even more |
| 35. |
your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green. |
| 36. |
your parents insist you marry within your race. |
| 37. |
you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food. |
| 38. |
you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it. |
| 39. |
your parents have never kissed you |
| 40. |
your parents have never kissed each other in public |
| 41. |
you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents |
| 42. |
"You want a stereo!?" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!" |
| 43. |
people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate |
| 44. |
You have to call all of your parents' friends "Auntie" or "Uncle." |
| 45. |
you have 12+ aunts and uncles |
| 46. |
at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage | |
dis is da guy that sings it.